We are merely days away from not only a new year, but a new decade.
Which means out with the old and in with the new.
And that out includes the wellness trends that no longer serve us.
Think of these dubious trends as a short-term fling; they looked all shiny and new when we swiped right on them, were exciting for a while but eventually we saw through all the canceled dates, excuses and dubious taste in shoes to realize there’s no way it’s going to turn into a serious, committed relationship.
You have our permission to break up with the following:
Ok, so we were definitely sucked into this one, even getting a writer to test the trend for a month to give us her verdict. After a month her skin was “beyond clear” but she stopped when it got too exxy. You need to juice a whole celery every day and due to the craze’s popularity the price spiked from $4 to $7 a bunch. That’s about $50 a week or more than $2500 a year that could be spent on things that have better long-term effects, such as fitness classes or a wellness holiday.
Oh yeah, we’re going there. Otherwise known as ‘perineum sunning’ this only took off recently and we think it’s going to die off just as fast. The theory behind it is that exposing your perineum to direct sunlight for 30 seconds a day is incredibly energizing. But that adrenaline rush you’re getting could potentially be the thrill of not getting caught by your neighbor as you execute a pants-off ‘Happy Baby’ yoga pose. There’s a reason why that particular part of the body is referred to as “where the sun don’t shine.”
We all know the health advice to eat the rainbow and ensure there are a wide range of colours on your plate. But when it comes to food, blue is not appealing. Which is why we have to say sayonara to blue algae. It appeared in coffee shops everywhere with blue algae or “Smurf” lattes that combined the blue powder with coconut milk and had an unusually sour aftertaste but even more odd was the blue algae pasta served up at a hipster restaurant in Sydney. It allegedly gave the spaghetti “a subtle seaweed taste” according to the owners but was probably more about capturing a pretty Instagram picture that made you hit “like”.
We get the whole charging crystals thing. We really do. Even if it isn’t much more than a placebo effect it’s easy to understand the whole ritual surrounding the cleansing and recharging of these beautiful stones that have a personal connection with their carriers. But charging water by the light of a full moon is a step too far people. Just because Victoria Beckham drinks it, doesn’t mean it’s legit.
Vaping captured public attention with the claim that it was healthier than smoking, delivering the nicotine without any ash or tar that could clog your lungs and cause cancer, it doesn’t smell and comes in fun flavours. But things are never too-good-to-be-true. Nicotine is still an addictive substance and recent research reveals e-cigarettes, or vapes, can still cause lung disease, shortness of breath, chest pain and difficulty breathing.
Taking teeny, tiny amounts of psychedelic or hallucinogenic drugs really took off in 2019. But let’s state the obvious – these drugs, including LSD, magic mushrooms and ketamine – are illegal. The theory is that taking “sub-therapeutic” doses of one tenth-one twentieth of a dose that will get you high makes users more present, focused and creative, but is it any different to parents taking a little of their children’s ADHD medication to help them get through the day?
The Pegan Diet
A portmanteau of paleo and vegan, the pegan diet is a fancy way of saying you don’t fancy food but want to put a socially-acceptable label on your restrictive eating regime. The plant-based diet cuts out meat, while allowing oily fish, nuts and seeds. But it’s also gluten-free which means grains are out the window, it’s not a fan of legumes so you’re not getting that much protein and it also bans dairy. Leaving you eating not much except fruit, vegetables and few healthy fats.
Silicone Valley’s latest wellness trend is just plain silly. This is all about cutting yourself off from external stimulus to reboot your brain and boost productivity. At first, avoiding the incessant ping of social media stimulation sounds like a good idea but ‘stiumulus’ refers to anything that gives you pleasure. Yep, anything; that morning cup of coffee that makes the day worthwhile, lunch at your favourite Thai place – or in fact any lunch at all – and spending time with friends. If it makes you smile, forget it. Which means getting laid is out of the question.
10 step skincare routines
Even the laziest girl fell hard for this one, lured by the promise of glowing, pore-free skin. The 10-step-skincare-system originated in Korea and as we added essences and more masks to our routine we also had the added pleasure of discovering a whole new world of beauty brands to play with. But really, who has the time to devote half an hour to their face in the morning? And that’s before we even start with make-up. Trust us, sleep also has skin-boosting benefits.
The things women will do for great skin is baffling. And yet, whenever a new trend pops up and a celebrity endorses it we rush to the salon to part with our money in the vain hope that it will also work on us. But this? Paying someone to put slimy, slippery, snails on your face? Nah-ah. The science behind it is that snail secretions are high in hyaluronic acid, which helps skin retain water and gives it a plumper appearance. But seeing as you can find hyaluronic acid everything from cleansers to serums to moisturizers, in this instance it pays to skip the salon.